Requiem for a Dad
by VKempf
Summary: What were the life and deeds of the late Shindo Masao ? What memories does he leave in his son's heart ? (oneshot)


**Requiem for a Dad**

Disclaimers : _Hikaru no Go_ characters are Hotta Yumi and Obata Takeshi's intellectual property, that in no way I claim or contest. 

Warnings : Minor spoiler of vol. 15... nothing really embarrassing.

* * *

I'm so tired...

I thought I was going to fall unconscious at the second I slipped between the sheets.   
Now I'm in bed yet I can't get to sleep. Is it because of the full moon ? I can see it rising through the window of my room. I mean, the room where the child and the teen I was spent most of his nights.

It's been a long time since I slept here last...   
This night, I'm lying again on my old bed. It's still long enough for my adult frame, and wide enough for Akari to curl up at my side. I've not grown much taller through these years. Mom doesn't have to look up when she talks to me. No wonder she still sees me as her little Hikaru-chan, who may be doing strange things on his own, but always need his dinner ready and a clean shirt ironed for tomorrow morning.   
I've been such an important part of her well-established universe : a pretty comfy household, and the two men sharing it with her. When I moved a few blocks away in my first flat, she had a little hard time to adapt to the new situation, phoning me everyday to check if I was not starving at the foot of an empty fridge, or stinking in the same clothes worn for a week. But slowly she got used to the fact that her little one had flown off the nest and was not going to return as usual. 

It could, it should have been the opportunity for you both to take some good time together, just like when you were newlyweds. I don't remember that time, for obvious reasons, but I do hope it was more active and entertaining than what you've been doing for the last five years... practically nothing so to say.   
You were both too entrenched in that dreary rut : Mom scurrying all day long at home, waiting for _you_, usually late in the night. _You_ would finally come back from your office - or whatever bar or karaoke your boss considered an office extension, exhausted or irritable or both. You'd take a bath, skip dinner and go to bed to take as much sleep as possible. That's what you'd do when I was still here, and there was no reason to change the plan after I left.   
The day before yesterday though, you changed it. You left in the morning, and suddenly you were gone, definitively.

Your manager caught you in the mid-afternoon, taking a nap right on your desk. He shook you severely, and was a bit dazed to see you fall dead on the floor instead of waking up obediently. The further medical examination has revealed some brain hemorrhage, and your case will quietly increment the _karoshi_ stats for this year.   
Of course, the company you worked too much for will try to contest this. I've already managed to keep those sharks away from Mom. There are so many things for her to deal with suddenly - your death, your funeral, life insurance and stuff - that I've decided to stay here as long as needed, and shield her from that obscene world.   
Fortunately, Grandpa and Grandma take turns at her side, Akari-chan makes lunch and takes care of the chores, plus the neighbors are very kind here, so Mom should be ok. When she's better, we'll think about suing your company, because they just can't get away with that. I don't think Mom has the strength to go into all this turmoil, so I'll undertake it for her. I'm wealthy, stubborn, and an evil bastard when I want to. And I want to make sure Mom never lacks the essentials, and much more if possible.

Messages of condolence have come quickly, from the family, the neighborhood, a few from your friends, a lot from mine. The Go World has been very supportive for the most. Waya-kun, Isumi-san, Saeki-san, Honda-san, Nase-san, Yashiro-kun who's in Tokyo these days, Kurata-san, all of them have paid a visit. The elder pros too, Morishita-sensei, Shinoda-sensei, Ogata-sensei, even Kuwabara-sensei, and Touya-sensei who gave us a call from Beijing.   
Each one had a few kind words, each time asking me if I was ok. And the rough, the terrible truth is _I am_ ok. I don't feel sad, nor especially grim. The hardest time I had so far was when Touya-kun came to assure me of his warm and deepest sympathy in a very solemn and icy stance, and I had the greatest difficulty repressing a giggle. Not that he's insincere in any way, but he's always so stiff when it comes to express emotions other than rage ! I know him well, my dear old friend... He knows me too, but he would have been rightly shocked to see me laugh a room away from your cold remains.   
Yet I can't lie to you nor to myself : I am not sad, I don't miss you, I don't love you.

Don't misunderstand me : I don't love you, but I don't hate you either.   
I'm unable to do one or the other, for the very simple reason that I just don't _know_ you. And I'm pretty sure you didn't know me better.   
We have lived seventeen years in the same house like near strangers to each other. There was me, there was Mom, and sometimes there was that guy called Tou-san. When he - sorry, when _you_ were here, that made almost no difference, because you wouldn't pay us too much attention. The perky attitudes you used to take at times didn't fool me. I knew it was just a façade, you're as bad as acting as I am. Actually, you looked blatantly bored, just as if your home was a burden, and your office, a relief.

Talk about a relief ! How many days off did you skip, claiming you had work to catch up on ? I can count on one hand the holidays we had together. Did I say together ? Sorry, I mean Mom and I going for a ride or to the beach by ourselves, while you were sleeping or reading by the pool, probably waiting for the end of those never ending vacation days. And you wouldn't talk more there than you would do at home. I can't remember any significantly long exchange between you and me. You would answer my questions - rather shortly, but you wouldn't ask me any if not necessary. On the scarce occasions when the three of us were having meal together and you opened your mouth besides feeding yourself, you would just utter inconsequentials, or complain about your job or life in general. 

Strangely enough, you wouldn't complain about _me_. And yet there was matter for that ! You had to be blind and deaf not to recognize what a pest I was. Think of it as a way to beg your attention... But I was always told off by Mom, rarely by you. Mom would admonish me and you would just nod your approval.   
I had to do really nasty things - like setting fire to the trashcan or making prank calls to the neighbors - to eventually hear your lecture. And it's not like you were yelling on me : just a long annoying speech in an annoyed tone, on how kids so irresponsible or having such disregard for others would end up good-for-nothing. After your sermon - that I would pretend to listen to obediently, Mom would give me my punishment. Mom, not you. Just like at your office, you'd delegate to your partner the recurrent problem identified as "Hikaru".   
Was I so unworthy of your precious time ?   
No, I can't believe you had such disdain for your own flesh and blood...   
And that's not what I felt then. 

I felt avoidance. 

I felt... fear ? 

Is that possible ?   
Were you actually _afraid_ of me ?   
Why ? 

I'm perfectly aware that I'm not a filial devotion paradigm, but don't you know that as a father you're entitled to certain things regarding your son ?   
Like rebuking him sternly when he does bad, tearing him off a strip when he does worse, slapping and spanking him - not too hard please - when he persists nevertheless.   
Like asking - no matter his reluctance - about his life, his plans, his acquaintances, how he's doing at school (horribly, thank you), what's all this Go business, everything to let him know that you acknowledge his existence, you care for him, and with chance you love him.

That's what I want to know. Did you love me ? Or at least cared for me ?   
You didn't leave too many hints behind...   
The best one I can remember is when I was on the run a couple of days around Hiroshima, in my desperate search for Sai. On the phone that night, your voice sounded like you were really worried. But worried about me ? Or about the ransom you might have had to pay if I had been actually kidnapped ?   
You see what kind of dilemma I'm brooding over ?   
If only you had made things clear : yes, I love you son, give me a hug, or : no, kid, I don't mind you, outta my way. Then I'd have been able to love you, or to hate you, or to love you in spite of myself. You prefered to leave me in ignorance, so I've eventually come to terms with it and I've just ignored you the same way you've ignored me all these years. 

Let's reformulate : I've _pretended_ to ignore you the same way you have _pretended_ to ignore me. Well, the result is the same... And why should I bother ? It's not like it has ruined my youth.   
All in all, I've been living a better and happier life than the one you've given up, against all the dark omens you spelled on my future.   
O the irony of fate ! I doubt you appreciate it in your narrow white coffin, though.   
Do I sound sneering ? Sorry, but you must admit you gave me too little to be proud of you. Think yourself lucky you've never heard me call you _oyaji_...

Wait a minute.   
Is it the real problem ?   
Were you so convinced of the futility of your life that you thought you didn't deserve my respect ? That you were unworthy of my love ?   
I dare not imagine that.   
That would be tragic, that would be cruel.   
Because, you know, as selfish and spoiled as I was, I didn't need some kind of hero as a father. I never demanded that you be famous, or incredibly rich, or that you shine with a glorious aura like Touya's dad. I could live with an ordinary father.   
Yes, you had every right to remain ordinary, as long as you were a father. Because if you had really been a father, you'd never have been ordinary to my eyes.   
Whatever I may have said, you didn't have to fear my judgement. Not even now.   
When I think of it, who am I to look down on you and tell you what you should have done ? Will I do better with my own children ? I hope so, but who can tell ?   
Even then, it does not allow me to despise you. There are some irreducible things for which I owe you.

First, I owe you my life.   
How hackneyed a sentence, but we can't skip it just because it's so obvious.  
Of course, that pleasant little performance doesn't make you a true father by itself, but because of it, I can't despise you without despising a part of myself in the same time.   
Since I'm not a complete failure, you must have passed me down some good genes ?   
I remember Mom pointed out on a few occasions how handsome you were, and it's true you looked good in your everyday suit. I guess I owe you for being the cute guy Akari-chan think I am - quite rightly...   
By the way, I must compliment you on the woman you chose as your wife, she's the best mother I can think of. Yeah, I _do_ love her, even though I don't show her too often. A pair of your bad genes here ? Perhaps it's just the male ones...  
Well, enough with that. Since Mom agreed to marry you, you mustn't have been completely hopeless... 

More essential than giving me life is that you made it secure.   
We were not rolling in money but compared to others, we had nothing to complain about. Your income was high enough to afford a two-storied house in this nice suburb of Tokyo and provide for the whole family for two decades. Despite the recession, I've been given most of the toys and stuff my eyes have lusted for, and the only shortages of my allowance have come from my bad grades. Besides, you could have easily paid me three or four years at Kaio, supposing that I had the level to apply. And you didn't raise any objection about disbursing some thirteen thousand yen for an exam I was not totally confident about, though the most determined to pass.   
Speaking of which, you've never hindered in any way my passion for Igo, even though you seemed to take it as a joke. Poor Yashiro-kun had not this luck. Well, I owe you that too.   
You can't buy love - _true_ love - with money, but thanks anyway. Thanks for dying to make our lives better, on the material side at least. 

A stupid death, let me tell you.   
What's the point of working so hard if you don't make the most of the rest of your life ? Stupid mistake, indeed.

I'm not naive, though.

Millions of men and women do that very mistake every day, without seriously thinking about it. People taught from their earliest childhood that hard work is necessary to achieve success, and that success is required if you don't want to be out.   
And you don't want to be out : see that little boy publicly humiliated by his teacher ? And that little girl bullied by her classmates ?   
You understand, now, good boy.   
Keep on working like mad, getting high grades - but not _too_ high, you don't want to think you're somehow _above_ the others, do you ? Then apply for the best high school you can, a good university will do after that, and you'll be ready to enter a prestigious company and start a career from the very bottom.   
Incidentally, you're allowed to marry a woman and breed a couple of kids, but remember your job and your boss must keep the first place in your mind, if not in your heart.

That's the way it was planned, _nee_ ? You just went into it blindly.   
You were not the bossy kind, so it was the natural path to follow, just like Tsutsui-san (he gave a call this afternoon, I must thank him too).   
But as stupid as it is, I can't blame you on this.  
I may be an eccentric guy with a big mouth, but not so that I'd go and fight the whole system by myself. On the contrary, I would have done every bit of work necessary not to be out : when you're out in Japan, you're doomed. I would have taken any job, then probably have lived some limited little life, with limited little pleasures.   
Thank heavens, I met Sai, and he filled my mind with his passion for Go.  
I met Touya-kun, and he taught me by his example the value of hard work to develop this passion. And this passion has turned into a job, one I can die for without regretting anything. I don't know if it was sheer luck or my manifest destiny, but for a lifetime I'm grateful. 

And _now_ I'm sad.   
I'm sad for you, because no friendly spirit came to enlighten your mind, and show you a different way. No wise companion helped you keep your dreams alive.   
What were your dreams as a child ? What was the bright future you had planned for yourself before society shattered it mercilessly ? Don't tell me you had no dreams, it would be even sadder. 

See ! I'm shedding tears.   
Finally I'm mourning for you, against all odds !   
Ok, it's more pity than love, but it's the best I can do right now. You're lucky that my rough exterior hides such a big sissy.   
What am I crying about by the way ? 

I'm merely crying on a spoiled life. 

Life is good when you keep a passion burning inside.  
Life is good when you know how to seize every chance to achieve happiness.   
Life is so good when you have somebody to love, who is ready to love you in return.

I WAS HERE, DAD, I WAS READY ! 

But you spoiled everything.   
Where are you now ?   
With luck, Grandpa will live enough to see one or two of his great-grandchildren, while you'll never come to know them. Supposing you'd have wanted to know them, of course...   
No, I shall stop speculating on your intentions. It's no good, it's useless.

Hey ! I've got an idea !   
If by chance you wanted to see your grandchildren... what about becoming _ one of them_ ?   
I'm not too familiar with the karmic laws, but if it's possible... yeah, give it a try !   
I know, it's a bit weird being your own grandson and your wife's... But you'll have forgotten everything from your previous life - not a big loss when you think about it...  
That inversion in the family tree is too humiliating ? What's the big deal ? I've never felt humiliated being your son, truly, so don't tell me you can't cope with it, or I'll be really upset. Again, you'll have forgotten about it, and I probably won't recognize my old man in this baby's wide open eyes.   
You dread some sort of revenge from me ? You're darn right on this one.   
The sweetest revenge you can imagine : at dusk, I'll come into your room to take you on my knees. In a soft voice, I'll tell you ancient tales and old stories of the past I was told by a very very old friend of mine. I can tell you tales of my own, too, I've been reading enough manga to make something up. And if that's not enough, I can tell you my dreams, I've got a couple of very enchanting ones, trust me on this.  
Then you'll tell me _your_ dreams, and we'll see to pick one of them and make it real.   
By the way, I know some good game we can play together. You didn't seem too interested before, but if I take time to explain it to you, I bet you'll soon be fond of it.   
At last, we'll come to know each other, we'll love each other, and you'll call me Tou-san, and I'll call you Masao-chan or whatever name you'll end up with. Isn't that wonderful ?  
Ok, I'm bathing complacently in my own dream, not yours... but please consider my offer, it could be your revenge too.

Oh, one more thing : I owe you my name.

It may be futile but I love it.   
It sounds round, bright and clear in the air.   
It's cool, and it makes me feel cool.   
I'm proud of it.   
Were you too ? I guess the guys at your office didn't pay it much respect...   
Well, you'll be glad to know that your name, _our_ name makes big old pundits tremble with fear or jealousy. When spoken, it's always with the utmost deference and the most honorable titles : Shindo-_sensei_, Shindo-_sama_, Shindo _Honinbo_ !   
There are a few _baka_ sometimes, but those come from friendly mouths exclusively.   
Not bad for someone who's not a quarter of century old !   
Yet I stick to the name, because it will never pass. You can take the titles, if you find solace in them.   
I like Hikaru too. It also sounds good in loving mouths...

What time is it ?   
Half past two !   
Damn, I should not rummage thoughts so late in the night, there are a lot of tasks to be done tomorrow. I need some sleep, Akari too, and I don't want to wake her by tossing and turning in the bed like that.

I'm not the only one awake at this time...   
Mom sleeps in the room across the corridor. I can hear the muffled sound of her sobs, right now. I must conclude that her tears are not merely nostalgic, she really misses you...   
That's what I want to be sure of.   
When she's better, I'll ask her, I'll make her talk about you, because I want to understand, _I want to know you_.

For now, my thoughts are too confused. Let's leave it here, Dad. 

Remember, my offer is still valid. 

Yet if you are to stay up there for a while, I have another suggestion. 

Go and look for a graceful spirit in an ancient white suit and a funny hat can't remember the exact names of these things, but _his_ name I can tell you.   
Ask for Fujiwara no Sai.   
He knows you already... without really knowing you, just like me, but I'm sure he'll be happy to have a talk. He may be annoying on some topics, but he knows a lot of things, and a good lot about me. You can ask him.  
Yes, he's the very old friend I was talking about, and the person I most want to see when it's my turn to leave this world. If you're also there to welcome me, it's ok.   
We'll have a common friend then. It should be a good start.

But... now that you're out in the Big Sleep, maybe you want to get some of it first, for all that you lacked in your life ? 

I understand that.   
I'm going to do the same anyway.

_Sayonara_, _Otousan_.

_Arigatou_.

* * *

**[NOTES :]**

_Karoshi_ : death from overwork. 

_Oyaji_ : father, in a not too respectful mode (like "old man") 

-- 

It's summertime, but it's really too hot outdoors, so I stay in the shade. To keep my English steady (and improve it as much as possible so feel free to point out my mistakes ^^), I've decided to write this oneshot - and think about my next fanfiction, which may be more ambitious...

I've wondered many times about Hikaru's dad, the most absent character of _Hikaru no Go_.   
We see nothing but glimpses of him, we know his first name from a conversation between his wife and her father, he has two short lines in chapter 122, we hear his humming under the shower in the last episode of the anime... Well, he sure leaves room for speculation !

One can say he's been put aside to let us focus on the other fatherly figures Hikaru meets all along the plot. Yet the "absent father/omnipresent mother" pattern makes me think that our hero may belong to a specific type of Japanese family : the salaryman slaving away at his job, the overprotective housewife, and their spoiled only child. Fortunately, the plot stays on an easy-going line, so we don't end up with a reclusive main character and a gloomy atmosphere a la _Evangelion_. ^^ 

I just kept the idea of the overworking salaryman who does not interact too much with his family. From there, I wondered how Hikaru could deal with that. As the manga and the anime show us a cheerful character, he must not be too affected, thus his detachment at the beginning of this fic. But it's not very interesting in the long run, so my sadistic side quickly took over and I imagined some secret suffering slowly resurfacing, with all the bitterness that comes along.   
And because Hikaru is a kind boy with a sweet heart (just like me :), I felt I had to conclude on a compassionate and forgiving tone. I hope it does not sound too lame...

Some may think my depiction of the Japanese society is rather dark, but it's based on actual facts and studies. Of course, we must not generalize - not every Japanese worker dies before retirement ! but it's good westerners like me keep in mind that Japan is not (only) the cherry blossom paradise we can watch or read about in our favorite anime/manga. Though I've been told things are slowly changing there, so all the better.

On a lighter side, here's a little game for those who have really nothing better to do. Some bits of Simple Minds lyrics are scattered throughout the fic, go and find them ! The winners win my greatest consideration :)

(I don't listen to SM any more, but they used to have cool lyrics I remember and reuse ^^)

Valérien


End file.
